My Fake Boyfriend
by Tombspike
Summary: As best friend of one Rosalie Cullen, it's paramount I date...her brother. Rated M for dirty dreams. AH.
1. September 4th:9th

_September 4th_

Quadruple Math.  
Is that even possible?

_September 7th_

Rosalie just asked me to double date with her, the silly cow.  
She freaking knows I don't have a date!  
It's like she's expecting me to run out and embarrass myself, to the next boy I see, just so I can "impress" her. She probably wants me to do the whole shebang. You know, kneeling down in front of aforementioned boy and _begging_, simply _begging _him to take me, because no-one else would. Rosalie thinks she hides it so well, but everyone knows Rosalie gets the hot guys before I get a look in. Not because I'm fugly (though that wouldn't be good) but because Rosalie's _gorgeous. _Personally I think I've seen better. _Waay _better. But if Rosalie wants to reassure herself about how "good" she looks. Then fine by me.

That's what best friends are for.

_September 7th (later)_

Rosalie just won't quit! She only mentioned this double-dating business yesterday but already she's called up four times, IM'ed me twice, and if I don't reply soon, probably post a calligraphed letter by mailman. I don't know what to do. Rosalie's never gotten this intense before, to me anyway. She just won't let go until I bring somebody, preferably someone _fugly_ that she could rub herself up anyway. So I do the unmentionable.  
I IM Rosalie.

_socca_chick says: _**i'm feeling really thirsty. its so hawt outside. **

_perfectprincess says: _**Bella! ur back! well?**

_socca_chick says: _**wat i fancy is a tall, cool glass of lemonade. condensation tricklin down it**

_perfectprincess says: _**brb**

Perfect. Without patience, I slam Rosalie's home number into my phone and pray who I wanted to answer, will answer.

It looked like I was in luck. Rosalie's older brother, Edward, picked up the phone after several rings when it seemed clear Rosalie was held up elsewhere. "Hello," he answered gruffly.  
_Yes! _I was jumping for joy. Just to make sure Edward wouldn't pass the phone as soon as, I ask where Rosalie is.  
"Oh, you want her?" and before I could stop him, he was hollering, "Rosalie! Some-one on the line for you!" and I wanted to break his skull in. I resigned myself to Rosalie stomping into the room and snatching the phone from Edward- before realizing his side of the line was really quiet.

That's because he was listening really hard. And I was too.  
"Tell whoever it is to call back! I'm getting Marco to make me a tall, cool glass of lemonade!" Rosalie yelled back.  
"You heard the lady," Edward spoke into the phone, knowing full well I had heard everything. If there was one good thing about Edward, he never interjected words where they were un-necessary. Laconic, was the term.

"No, Edward!" I broke in, nearly ruining my guise. When I'd first phoned up, I'd pretended I was an ardent admirer of Rosalie's, lowering my voice to affect. _Brett, _I'd called myself, knowing Rosalie was a sucker for _B-_named boys. Something about them always being bad boys...  
For my plan to work, I had to make Edward wary and suspicious enough to follow through with my demands.

"How do you know my name?" Edward asked suspiciously. Bingo! Now for my part to be played convincingly.  
"Edward Anthony Cullen," I stated calmly. "What I _don't _know about you."  
"Whaddya mean? Who are you, freak?"  
"Greenwater Shopping Mall. Thursday evening. 8PM."  
"Like hell-"  
"Be there," I threatened for last measure. "Or Tanya knows."

TBH, I have nothing on Edward Anthony Cullen. He's squeaky clean as far as I'm concerned. But I'm relying on the fact, that _nobody _is squeaky clean. If Edward had something to hide...  
He'd be there.

_September 9th_

He was there.  
I can't believe it freaking worked!  
I was so physcing myself up for a dead-end. A minor disappointment.  
But he's actually there and I actually have to go through with it!  
Oh god oh god oh god-

I think a part of me had been hoping he wouldn't show- because then it wouldn't be my fault. I would've tried my hardest to get a date- but then I failed.  
Oh yes.  
All of this, just because I couldn't get a _freaking_ date.  
I couldn't flat out ask him on the phone because it would've been too embarrassing and there's a excellent chance he could've said _no. _A rejection by not appearing at the mall I could've handled. But a flat-out rejection to my face, when I'd just stripped myself bare for him...? Na-uh.

Don't get me wrong, I have no plans of asking him out _now_, even though I got him to the mall. I'm just relying on fate for that. See this is how my marvellous plan goes:  
Edward would be waiting by the front entrance at 8PM sharp. 8: 15 and he's getting restless and by 8: 45 he'd realise he's been played the fool. It kind of makes me interested to know what secret Edward was protecting from Tanya (his current belle) to go such great lengths. But I'm not here for that.

Just as Edward is realizing that the whole thing had been a dud, I show up, and act really surprised to see him there. (Because boys+shopping malls are a weird combination.)  
He'd greet me by name, with some relief. One, because I'm a familiar face, two because we were all best friends until Edward hit puberty and realised he was too cool for us. Still, there must be some lingering feelings of affection, right? He's the one who used to insist on sending me valentines every February 14th.  
I play my trump card. Alone, and slightly scared I ask him to help me find Rosalie, because his sister had just went of with a really weird bloke.

We stumble across them in restaurant, and I watch with carefully masked glee, as Rosalie takes in my "date" as I clench a hand possessively over his forearm.  
Her one and only brother.

Of course, the ruse will only stand so long. The whole thing would be unravelled to shreds. But it'd be all worth it, if just for _one _second Rosalie believes that me, yes actually _me_ was dating her, yes actually _her_, brother! What perfect way for her to never ask me on a double date again?  
Edward was getting restless now, a whole half an hour earlier than he should've been. The clock was already quarter past but Edward already looked like he wanted to go, actually getting up and shouldering on his jacket.  
_Shiz-sizzle!  
_No no no. This was way earlier than planned- but I had to go through with it now because that's what evil genius's do.

"Edward? Is that really you?" I'm walking across the tiling to greet him, but when Edward looks up, he's far from happy. I'm confused for a second. Didn't I sound surprised? Or maybe I sounded _too_ surprised, like it was _too _convenient? Hell, what if it was my face? I've never been able to master the secret of method-acting.  
"Bella," he said coolly, starting to unwind his scarf. "I've been expecting you."  
HE HAS?  
This isn't good, people.

"Me?" I laughed with a fake tinkle. "Surely you mean _someone _else."  
"No. Just you."  
"You mean-"  
"I knew all along? Yeah. You must've been pretty desperate to phone up like that, so I wanted to meet. Person to person."

If I could've died of humiliation, I would've been six feet under already. He'd just called me _desperate _to my _face_, granted he was being very nice about it. But still he had wanted to meet- wanted to know what could've driven his sister's best friend and former best friend to such drastic lengths. There was no way I could tell him now- or even carry through with my plan. Edward knowing this was a set-up changed _everything. _If I stuck to the original plan, and pretended I needed help finding Rosalie (to only find her in the nearest Barji, where she normally always is) he'd become suspicious. The moment he spied the dawning horror on his sister's face, he'd clock my possessive hand on his forearm and the way I tucked neatly under his elbow as some ploy to usurp his sister.

And what brother wouldn't want that?  
I began to grin.  
"It's Rosalie," I finally admitted, when I began to freak _myself _out. "She roped me into double dating, and I thought the perfect ploy would be to turn up with _you_, her brother. See how she'd like it. Of course, after seeing the impossibility of the situation," I muttered when I saw Edward's face turn rather dour. Not that he'd been hunky dory to begin with.  
"You went to all _this? _Just to up my sister?"  
He was going to call me out as a loser. I just knew it. But what I didn't expect was for the million-watt smile to break over his devillish face and rake me in at the same time.

"I'm in."

* * *

**r n r pls**


	2. September 9th:10th

_September 9th (later)_

**"I'm in."**

OMG. I can't believe Edward Anthony Cullen had just said that!  
It got even more surreal, when Edward threw an arm around my shoulder and tucked me under his _armpit,_so all I could feel was a cocoon of hoodie and denim and _man. _Not to mention he must have slapped some deodorant on, before he came out to meet me.  
Now, that's a weird thought.  
Edward slapping on deodorant just to meet _me.  
_He must have foreshadowed this event.  
Ha. I joke. I joke.  
Without saying in he steered me in the direction of th barji, as if he'd read my mind on the subject. I guess it was great I didn't have to pretend to look in Sears and Bloomingdale's first, but it was un-nerving he could pin-point my mind exactly.  
"Wait, before we go in," Edward stopped just shy of the main entrance and tucked a flyaway hair behind my ear. I shot him a puzzled look, but he merely shrugged and mentioned, "theatrics."

"It'd help if you did the same for me too," he suggested when I continued staring blankly at him.  
"Oh! Right."  
I hesitantly reached out and tried to smooth the tufty bit of sandalwood hair poking out above his ear. Edward got a weird look on his face before ushering me into the barji, and fried onions and spicy spicy chicken hit us full force.  
"Table for two sir?" an indian waiter had materialised like he'd just been summoned from a bottle. He hovered over our shoulders as we shrugged off our coats, like an arabian genie waiting for his first command.

"Table for four actually. The other two might be here already, a girl with blonde hair and a guy with-" He stopped to look at me.  
"A dragon tattoo," I supplied.  
"Yeah. Find them," was Edward's demand, and the genie dematerialised and was gone with a hasty, "be right back, sir."  
The place was heady with saffron and incense sticks, poking out of decaying bananas that masked the putrid smell of rotten fruit. The smoke it produced was good enough to provide the barji with enough ambiance to start a bonfire. Edward was grimacing, the irritant grind of hot chilli making out throats burn and eyes well.

But yet, he cuddled convincingly into me, burying his nose into my hair like it cleansed the air around him. "Aaaah," he breathed in and I found myself marvelling with how unfair our role of positions left us in. Not to be outdone, I turned my nose into the crook of his armpit and inhaled deep.

"Erck," I made a face, even though the waft of Edward was quite lovely.  
"Very funny," he mumbled into my hair, before tucking his neck into the crook of mine, taking advantage of the fact that my nose was still buried in his armpit.  
"Edward? _Bella?_"  
Aw shucks, the shit had just hit the fan.

_September 10th_

I can't believe I stayed up all night, like a giggling schoolgirl.  
Fair enough I _am _a schoolgirl and was giggling to boot.  
But that's just not me!

Half the time, I thought my parents would come knock on my door, acting all annoyed, but the other half of the time, no-one did.  
Not even my college-bound brother who has the sensitivity of an elephant's foot.  
Instead I replayed the events of the previous night again and again into the early hours of the morning, taking things apart, dissecting it, and then piecing it up all together again.  
I am now, Edward Anthony Cullen's girlfriend.  
And it still didn't make sense, however many times I repeated it to myself. There was even an embarrassing portion where I stood in the front of the mirror, my bedroom lamp throwing Michael Myers-_esque_ shadows on my face, and I started grinning. For no apparent reason.  
"Take that, Rosalie!" I crowed.

So all right. I wasn't acting happy because Edward Anthony Cullen asked me to be his girlfriend. It more came along the lines of what happened _after _he did.  
"Rosalie," Edward said calmly, even though I could feel his heart drumming against my breast. His arm was still around me, and my nose was still orientated towards his armpit, embarrassingly enough. I couldn't help but feel grateful though, because it was of my pesky nose that I didn't have to face Rosalie full-frontal.

The hilarity of the situation hit me.

"Bella, are you okay?" I could only imagine Rosalie stepping forward, reaching out a hand to touch me, but freezing as if a hot cold viper had struck when Edward protectively turned me away. "Why is she crying?" Rosalie bluntly asked her brother. "It's not because you're touching her, is it?"  
A hiccuped sob leaves my lips as Edward growls, "No!"

"Then what is it?" Rosalie persisted. "Because Bella will never let a boy touch her like that."  
_Like what? _I wanted to say. The way Rosalie portrayed it, you'd think Edward was cupping my ass cheeks and pushing his groin into my hip. Instead he was looking alarmed, as he loosened the grip on my shoulders and started to edge away.

I wouldn't let him.

"Can you excuse us, for like, two seconds?" Edward asked his sister, before he started steering me towards the bathroom. Well bathroom was a fine word. Since the barji took up the smallest shop in the largest shopping mall in south-west Washington, the bathroom was more like a broom closet. It was unisex, with a gross morph between a male and a female pinned to the door. Edward opened the door, and both of us crammed in, our bodies pressed so compactly together, I had to unbury my nose from his armpit and take a deep breath.

Before bursting out laughing again.

"You've been laughing all this time?" Edward asked with some disgust, raising an eyebrow.  
I just nodded, unable to form the coherent words enough to make Edward understand just how _happy _I was about it.  
Finally, I was able to calm down enough to gasp, "Did you hear how _shocked _she was?"  
"And looked," Edward supplied. He was watching me now, his green eyes flitting over my face. "Was it worth it?"  
"God _yes!_" I hiccuped.  
"Is this what best friends have taken to doing to each other?"  
"Hey!" I cried indignant, finding his chest convenient for some finger poking. "She's the one who started it, not me!"  
"And you want to end it."

His cool statement weirded me out more than it should of. For just a second, I came close to the terrible truth. _Is _this what best friends did to each other? Didn't they just braid each other's hair and bake cookies together? Rosalie and me had never followed the traditional lines of friendship, but I wouldn't go as far as to say we wished harm on each other. It's just Rosalie's competitive, is all. Like her brother, but a million times worse. With boys, it comes down to just how many hoops you can shoot and how many fanny's you can bang (sometimes together?) but with girls...With girls, it was who had the best hair, and who had the best dress, and who had the best boyfriend. The former two usually resolving to give the latter prize.

I think that's why I'm one of Rosalie's _true _friends. She viewed me as non-competition, someone ready to get down in mud pats and I was just happy to find someone to sit next to in home-room. Fast foward from sixth grade, and I find that I've come out of puberty with some breasts (not the biggest, for sure- oh another competition factor) and a slightly better fashion sense.

All that meant was that I switched from dungarees to pants and t-shirts and oh- I started wearing a bra.  
And you know, what made Rosalie really fuming?  
I had a bigger bust size.

It was all my fault actually. If I hadn't laid my bra lying over her chair, one sleepover to change into some PJ's, then Rosalie would never have picked them up and read the label. The resulting scream could've brought the house down but all that succeeded was bringing Edward into the room.  
And he saw my _bra.  
Talk about dying on the spo-hot.  
_

So lately Rosalie had started viewing me as fodder too. I still walk around in trackie's and hoodie's so it's kind of hard as seeing me as a threat, but that doesn't stop Rosalie, once in a while querying after my love life.  
She knows I never had a boyfriend, see.  
And that's how the whole double dating business started.

"Yes," I responded to Edward's statement, squaring my shoulders. I went to undo the lock on the toilet door, "And now I'm even. Thanks for helping me Edward, you've been a true gent."  
"Have I?" the surprised note suggested he thought he'd been anything but.  
So he wanted to paint himself as a sleezy old man then, did he? I guess Edward _has _shot his fair share of hoops, so it's only natural he's shot balls of another kind. But a small part of me was refusing to let go of my former best friend, who sent valentine's day cards on February the 14th.

"Wait," Edward interjected as I went to switch the lock from _occupied _to _vacant._ "Rosalie never bought it!"  
That sure caught my attention!  
"She didn't?"  
"We're trying to fool a person who knows us well, Bella. She was _never _going to buy it, the moment we walked in, hand in hand."  
"Why not?" I asked affronted.  
"How many times have we done the exact same thing, when we were kids? No, to get her attention, we need to do something _more."  
"_I've never walked into a barji with you hand in hand before," I said stupidly.

My celebration had been cut short by this major pitfall presented by Edward. All jokes aside, he was very accurate- hadn't Rosalie questioned why was I crying just a few minutes earlier, when I was in the arms of Edward? The fact that I could've been _happy _never occurred to her, because why should it? My shoulders had been heaving and Edward had looked pensive. In Rosalie's mind, Edward had clearly found me distraught because I couldn't get a date, and led me into the barji because _everyone _knows Rosalie Lillian Cullen eats at the barji, morning, noon and night. Edward would then dump me on his sister, and carry on his hypocritical ways.

The fact that he'd just lead me to a unisex toilet was an anomaly to be brushed aside.

The air deflated out of me, like a pinprick needle piercing a balloon. And that's when I sat on the covered toilet seat, my head in my hands.  
"This is stupid," I muttered, "Stupid stupid stupid."  
"No, what's _stupid _is if you give up easily," Edward growled. "_We _will not give up. One anomaly she can ignore. But several, close-fitting anomalies? My sister would have no choice but to choose another line of best fit. And _that _line of best fit, is that me and you are dating. Together. For serious."

"But we won't be really, will we?" I asked glumly, feeling incredibly sorry for myself. The very first boyfriend I get, and it's not because of my charming wits or incredible sense of humor. No, it's because the boy in question took pity on me, and wanted to up his sister in the process.  
"No."

* * *

**Many luvli hugs to hayleyxx01 'n' Bildo for daring to push the button.  
The button for reviewing by the way.  
No other button, no siree...**

**I could have another chapter up in 48 hourz but that's down to you..  
Go on. Live a little.  
Review?  
(lol, see how smoothly I linked the two? Edward would be proud!)**


	3. September 13th:15th

_September 13th_

That night, I'm exhausted from school because I just spent two hours filling in an irrelevant grid that would end up in the bottom of the bin anyway.  
_Two hours!  
_On one measly little grid.  
Oh how I hate English sometimes.

So it wasn't well appreciated, when sometime after nine, my brother wandered into my room with a phone in his hands. Immediately I made the link (because my brother just walking in with a phone, is random)- it had been ringing minutes earlier. My parents had been out and clearly neither of us had been in the mood to get it. But when it started up again- my brother must have ambled to the living room and picked up the phone.

And it must've been for me.  
God dammit.

"Phone for you," Kevin mumbled, betraying my suspicions. He didn't even think to warn me about who it could be, but just chucked it near my hands and walked out of the room. Bloody brothers. "He-llo?" I chirped into the phone, abandoning my perusal on logarithms. "What can I do for you?"  
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line, as if my chirpy tone was making them reconsider what to say, before an obnoxious voice drawled out. "You never phoned."

"Edward?" my heart plummeted to my toes.  
"The one and only."  
"What are you- I mean what do you-"  
"I'm phoning you because that's what _boyfriends _do. It's a shame you don't feel the same way. Except instead of the whole _boyfriends _part substitute in _girlfriends. _You get the picture."  
"But I-"

In the background, I hear the low hum of the TV and someone crunching popcorn really loudly. It sounded like they were trying to compensate for something- something like eavesdropping into their _brother's conversation. _At the mention of boyfriends however, Rosalie couldn't seem to control her burning curiousity. The crunching noises stopped and too late, I realised I'd been set up. No wonder Edward had spoken in a loud voice throughout the conversation.  
_Like a pig to the slaughter house.  
_

_"_Who's that you're talking too?" Rosalie asked nosily. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend!"  
_"Neither did I" _I mouthed into the telephone. I didn't want to risk speaking a loud incase Edward had me on speaker or something, because that's the kind of thing he seemed maschositic enough to do.  
"Well I do," Edward answered his sister's curiosity, with a tad more patience than believeable. "I'm just about to ask her on a date."  
"_You are?" _I grimaced into the phone, wishing there was some handy telephone cord around so I could strangle him, the next time I saw him.  
"Who is it? Is it someone I know?" Rosalie wanted to know, not appeased in the slightest.  
"Yeah, you should do. It's only Bella."  
_It's only Bella?  
_The unbelievable prick.

_perfectprincess has logged in._

_perfectprincess says: _**Bella! i cant believe u didnt tell me, u stupid cow**

_perfectprincess says: _**Bella? THIS IZ BIGG! ur dating my BRUVVER!**

_perfectprincess says: _**MY BRUVVERRRRRR AS IN EDWARDDD!**

_socca_chick says: _**i'm well aware ur "bruvver" is Edward, fanx**

_socca_chick says: _**can you tell him to call me in 5 mins?**

_socca_chick has logged off._

Needless to say, he didn't call.  
The unbelievable prick.

_September 14th_

Quadruple math.  
Ugh, the bane of my existence.  
It was a pleasure to skip it.

_September 15th_

I'm lucky I skipped school on the Friday, because just after Friday comes Saturday and Sunday and that's synonmous with THE WEEKEND!  
Whoop whoop.

I love weekends, me.  
On Friday, I spent the day making preparations like running to the nearest store, and grabbing some nutrition to last. It was ideal, because at eleven o'clock in the morning the chances of running into any schoolmates your age are slim to none. Mostly because they're at the establishment I'm meant to be in right now.  
The next two days, I perfected my role of a hermit, only emerging for regular persuits of the bathroom and to use the downstairs computer to check the news.  
The downstairs computer is ideal, because everyone crashes in the living room, and it doesn't really give you the type of privacy to check your mail.

And the last thing I wanted to do, was check my mail.

But inevitably (I guess it had to happen sometime) Rosalie came over to see if I wanted some burritos. My parents, being none the wiser to teenage drama, even though they had two teenage kids of their own, waved Rosalie up with awwing cheers of delight.  
It was the smell of burritos that warned me at first.  
Marco, the Cullen's family cook, was from a mexican household and was famed for making anything from tacos, to you guessed it...burritos.  
Already my mouth was watering, after being stocked up on stale Ritz biscuits and too many oreos, the smell of burrito was a slice of mexican heaven. "Shit!" I cried, racing to open my blinds and illuminate the room.

Already I wish I hadn't.  
Stray packaging lingered on my carpet like a bad smell, and crumbs crunched underfoot as I made my way to the bed. Having created a masterful cocoon, suitable for keeping oneself warm but _not_ entertaining guests, I wrenched my quilt to the side and further crumbs and crisps rained down on the floor.  
Holy smoley.  
"Bella? Can I come in?" Rosalie obviously had asked that for asthetic purposes, because a second later she turned the knob and let herself in. Instantaneously she brought herself to a halt. "Christ."

Christ was right. As her startled eyes began to scan the room, I plastered myself against the wall and hoped for the best. The best however, was not good enough.  
"It's like a nuclear bomb's gone off in here. Are you hoarding from something, Bella?"  
Haha. Rosalie thought she was being really funny, didn't she? Instead of flat out saying I've been hiding from the world, she had clocked the empty wrappers and stale scent of Ritz to conclude I'd been _hoarding. _In her books one clearly equalled the other.

I couldn't help but be impressed though. Here, I thought Rosalie would be buzzing with questions and incredulous disbelief about her brother and I, and instead she makes a _passe _at my room.  
"So is it true?" Rosalie demanded, stepping forward to corner me slightly. "That you and my brother...?"  
"Are very good friends? Yes!" I giggled hysterically.  
"Oh? So it's nothing more? Oh, Bella! You don't know how much of a relief, that's to hear!" She reached out a condescending hand. "But don't worry Bella, your time will come...someday."

* * *

**Ad-lib: Bella has a brother in this. Not trying to spite SMeyer, but there's only so much I can work with.  
Also cheerios to hayleyxx01, Bildo and kaiwi10 for reviewing. If any of you favourite this, and run off, then shame on you! If any of you favourite this _and _review, then shame on me for not having more faith in you.**

**Have a lovely Monday :P**


	4. Dreamaholic

_September 16th_

That night I have an...interesting dream.

I'm not much of a dreamer, and when I have _dreamt _in the past, it's always something frivolous like being aboard a pirate ship and command of a thirty-strong fleet.  
"_Pretty Polly. Pretty polly," _my parrot will chirp, wayward on my shoulder. And my thirty strong fleet will agree, cheering into the night and throwing hats, ropes, whatever they could find into the air.

So it was kind of a shock, when on this particular night, my dream seemed to have fast fowarded a couple of centuries, and I found myself sitting beside Edward in his bedroom. What was weird though, was that even though Edward looked every bit his eighteen year old self, his room looked exactly like it did seven years ago, when I'd last been in his bedroom. The walls were painted a light blue, and the stripy curtains had ships and pirates and harpoons sewn onto them.  
A poster of Bart with the speech bubble "_Eat my shorts!" _hung over his single bed, with a Simba quilted duvet from the Lion King, hung half off the floor.

"Soooo..." I drew out, twisting my hands awkwardly. "Nice room."  
"Thanks." His answer was brief.  
I fished around in my brain to say something exciting or promising, or at least jump-start this conversation. My mind was a horrendous blank.  
"Do you bring many girls up here?"  
"Just you."  
"Ohhh..." I nodded in an understanding way, or at least I hoped it looked that way. "So you go over to _their _rooms? Smart. But risky."  
"I can bring girls into my room, if I want too," he raised a challenging eyebrow and gestured towards me. "Exhibit number one."  
"Yeah," I accepted his challenge, "But we're not doing anything..._incriminating. _What would you do if your mother walked in on you in a compromising position?"  
"That will never happen."

"Oh yeah?" Suddenly the mood of the room changed, I felt liked I had a point to prove when I got on my hands and knees and crawled over to where Edward was sitting. My dominatrix wouldn't let him budge, as I straddled him, making sure I sat over his cock comfortably and it twitched in response.  
"Yeah," Edward breathed, his eyes heavy-lidded. My fingers luxuriously began running through his browny hair, as I threw my head back and shafted foward, riding his cock with ease.  
He had a full blown erection now.

Edward must have felt pretty desperate, when he awkwardly bent his foward, and began suckling on my nipple, cloth and all. My nipple had been puckered during the cold, so to feel his hot mouth around it, felt like heaven. My other nipple was beginning to feel severely left out, when he released the current one with a _pop! _and went on to suckle the neglected one. To show he'd been a good boy, I began riding him even faster, essentially dry humping him over our clothes.  
His erection felt thick and exciting, like the scariest roller coaster in the world without any adult supervision. I wanted to ride the god-damn thing and get it done and over with.

But I also wanted to feel in control.

"Come on, baby," I eased Edward on his back and kissed him, long, hard and eagar.  
Seeing The Lion King duvet stretched out underneath him, created a paradox between childhood and sex. I wanted to take his virginity on the bed he once slept as a child, erase all those fruitless slumbers, with _this_- hard, hot passion. Everytime he lay down, I wanted him to feel me, riding him like a darn cowgirl and his cock to tighten in anticipation.

My t-shirt came of quickly, and my bra one step behind.  
And then everything started to happen in slow-motion. As I threw my bra into the far recesses of the room, nearly knocking over a _scooby-doo _lampshade, footsteps started sounding outside Edward's bedroom door.  
Topless and vulnerable, I was sat on top of Edward's cock like a protective dragon over it's eggs.  
And then the door handle started rattling, louder and louder, until the door couldn't take it any more and it burst open, leaving Mrs Cullen to step over the threshold.

"YOU!" she howled when she saw me defiling her son. I'd never seen her look so mean or crazed. She looked like she wanted to rip me from the bed, and drag me all the way downstairs by the roots of my hairs. _Oh my god, _I repeated. _Oh my god. Please save me. NOW.  
_Time clicked back to normality. With a desperate shriek, I reached for the Simba duvet to cover what was left of my modesty, and ended up falling off the bed instead.  
I caught Edward's startled expression, Mrs Cullen's thunderous one, before I collided with the floor and shot out of bed at the same time.

_How am I ever gonna face Edward again?_

* * *

**Folks, if you couldn't handle this then there's no point going forward.  
Not that the entire fic is going to be a smut-fest but there are more..._intimate _scenes coming up and I don't do mollycoddling.**


	5. Slow, langorious kisses

_September 17th_

The next day, I was a senseless wreck, lumbering into class fifteen minutes late and then spending the class not writing any notes. There was one hairy situation, where the teacher called on me to answer a question before realising that question was indeed one set for homework, and I'd done it before any of this mess.

This "mess" as in referring to last night's "dream."

Ack!  
After that eventful trip, I was too frightened to go back to sleep incase Edward popped up in a leopard print thong or even worse- _I did.  
_

So hence, the following morning, I travelled two beats behind everyone else (reaching for sugar, but got salt instead) and ran out of the house resembling a hyena.  
Well not so much as ran, but lumbered. Sadly the hyena bit is true.  
In the bus, I sat right at the back, and pretended I was not me, when someone called me by my name and beckoned me to come forward. _Anyways, _I consoled myself when the person turned away miffed, _They just want to get close to Rosalie, not me.  
_

How wrong I was.  
"Bella!" someone called again, soon after the bus had parked and the doors let loose, for the kids to fall out off. "Bella!"  
I couldn't fake nonchalance any longer, and okay I was kinda curious to see who was so desperate to speak to me. Even the Rosalie-_worshippers _had to give up a while when her second-in-command so much refused to shake her head at them. At least they knew they existed then, twats.  
I turned around with the biggest smile on my face, even though I looked like crap until I saw who was coming for me.  
_Shit no!  
_

_"_Hey Bella. It's Tanya from senior year. I came round your house once when we were kids." (Translation: When _you _were a kid.) If I remember correctly, Tanya had been an early developer, gaining a bosom and hips at the impressive age of twelve. When _I _was twelve I was skinny as a bowling pin. So to come home from school one day, to see this vision of _perfection _on my front porch depressed the hella out of me. Even then I remember vividly the bleached blonde hair tousled over her shoulders and smouldering gray eyes outlined with black eyeliner. The only difference from then and now, is that she less acutely resembled a panda.

Darn it.

"Oh yeah," I pretended to reminisce whilst I added an extra stride to my step, "You came round with girl scout cookies."  
"All hail to girl scouts!" She did the salute, and did it so fluidly that it would've looked stupid on anyone else. But with Tanya, looking stupid wasn't an option.  
Me and my hyena hair.  
_"_Oh...har dee harr haar. Hows that goin' for ya?"  
"I quit."

Talk about a conversation killer. Desperately I searched around in my brain for something engaging to say, or to reach homeroom, whatever came first but neither was willing to come easily. A pom pom practically falling out of her shoulder bag caught my eye, and I thanked Jesus for mercy.

"So varsity cheerleader, huh?" I commented, as I spied a familiar brown haired individual bouncing a ball in the courts lined up to the gym. I prayed Tanya wouldn't notice him too, but realised when her fingernails bit into my arm, she _always _noticed him. That's the thing about Edward and Tanya. It's like everytime they meet it's been perfectly engineered beforehand.

"Tell me, Bella," she said in a conspirational, perhaps even _friendly _tone. "Are you and Edward...an item?"  
"God, _no!" _was my first instinct to vehemently claim, before I caught the ill-intentioned glint in Tanya's eye. As varsity cheerleader, it was unofficial code she had to cop of with the hottest/sportiest senior at school. Although I take no pleasure in disparaging Edward's looks (heehee) there was guys, _other _guys, who looked just plain _filthy. _Not filthy, as in rolling around in the mud filthy, but more like _I beckon thee with my mouth of sin. _Whilst their bodies oozed sex and carnal pleasure, Edward's oozed... sweat and freshly mown lawns.

He had that whole golden boy, american package going for him.

Hence that erotic dream where I deflower him on top of his Simba duvet greatly worrying me.  
It's like a cardinal sin to dream of riding his cock, when Edward had yet to pierce his body, tattoo any tattoos or even be caught wanking in the shower room.  
But clearly Tanya had no problem with that, as she looked over in Edward's direction, and licked her lips! Actually licked her freaking lips!

"He's always had a crush on me, you know," she said, leaning against the pillar leading into the school's entrance. "But I didn't really do anything about until the end of junior year. Looks I didn't do enough though." She tossed her hair in a haughty manner.  
"Whaddya mean?" I wanted to know, curious why she should divulge in me of all people.  
"Well," she sniffed, giving another hair-toss, "Two weeks into senior year and it looks like he's copped of _you. _A junior. Maybe I should've repeated the year..." she twirled a strand of blonde hair over and over her finger, until I almost believed she was using it as a curler. This time, we both simultaneously looked over at Edward, Tanya with regret and me with something more sinister.

As far as I was aware, the only person _close _to guessing we were a "couple" was Rosalie, but I put her at rest...Didn't I?  
"How did you find that out?" I asked stiffly, watching as Edward shot the perfect hoop through the basket.  
"He's been..._mentioning_, shall I say, you to all his friends in the team."  
"No way!"  
"_Way."_

Nevermind, her tone was sarcastic.

_September 17th (later)_

"Fools," Rosalie scoffed, as two lower freshmen put their heads together the moment we descended the hallways. "Can none of them realize, it's isn't true?"  
Rosalie was of course, referring to the unstoppable "rumor" flying round these halls about the relationship status of moi and her _frere.  
_

_"_Go check his facebook profile, you idiot!" she hollered, the moment one of the underclassmen looked at her the wrong way. "He's _single.._Single, god-dammit!"  
I didn't have the heart to tell Rosalie, Edward had changed his relationship status over two hours ago. If I told her, she'd accuse me of lying and frog-march me to her brother to demand a confrontation. And that's the last thing I wanted right now, to face him after that dream the previous night.  
Normally I would've been fuming. I would've stormed up to him and demanded an explanation.  
But not today...  
Not today...

No such luck.  
Today Rosalie chose to sit at her brother's table, yes the one overcrowded with tall basketball players. And their girlfriends.  
Knowing if I sat down with them, it would only add fuel to the gossip (and I'd have to face Edward!) I balked at the lunch queue and pretended I saw a group of computer friends by the door, waving ferociously.  
"What are you? A nerd?" she demanded, before dragging me to my fate.

"Hey guys," she said brightly, automatically gaining a seat as she sat down. "You remember me. I'm Edward's sister. And this is my best friend, Bella Swan."  
It was only after she announced my presence, did the rest of the members decide to shuffle reluctantly down. Lauren, a particular spiteful BAG (Basketball Android Girlfriend- a nice deviant of the european version of WAG) shot me an extra hateful look. Tea-bagged bitch.  
"It's true, then?" she asked snootily. "You've finally wrenched your skirt to your neck?"  
"Pardon?" I asked, confused. "I don't wear skirts."  
"Fine, sweatpants to your ankles, then."  
"I really don't get-"

"Oh, shut up Lauren," my best friend decided to save me then. "Just because you put it about, don't accuse others of the same thing. Plus Bella and my brother? _Yeesh."  
_

Said brother wasn't currently at the table, to my humongous relief when I thought to scroll an eye through it's occupants. Even though Rosalie (in her own weird little way) was battling for my honor, against accusations of trouser-dropping and skirt-lifting, it was still a humiliating process to go through. Hatred churned in my gut, when I caught glimpse of Tanya at the far end of the table, right next to Lauren, stirring through her coleslaw with the most amused smile on her face.  
God, Lauren and her were welcome to each other.

I don't know what defining factor made everything click into place, maybe it was a combination of them all, but when I saw Edward stroll into the cafeteria a few minutes later and pick up a banana, I stood up abruptly, letting my chair screech a deafening silence.  
I didn't scream. I didn't have too.

Since the whole cafeteria had been reduced to a solitary cough, the moment I stood up, Edward had no choice but to turn around, an empty lunch plate in his hand. The dinner lady behind him looked exasperated, having been halfway through dumping baked beans on his plate. But his attention had been diverted towards me, as I started strolling, yes _strolling _to his tall muscular, but sweaty bod.  
"Bella? What are you-"  
God, I relished this. Fisting one handful of sweaty muscular material, I pulled his face down to my level and-  
- gave him a slow, langorious kiss.

* * *

**Get my review count up to 20, and I'll post the next chapter :)  
Else, I got other things to do man.**


	6. Different ways of riding

_September 19th (much, much, MUCH later)_

"_How COULD you?" _Rosalie hollered, or more like sobbed into the phone. "I defended you back there! I said all those rumors weren't true! Hell, you _said _they weren't true but what do I find? YOU _DRY-HUMPING MY BROTHER IN THE CAFETERIA THIS AFTERNOON!" _

"Sshh," I said paranoidly, glancing at my bedroom door. Certain Rosalie's shriek was loud enough to penetrate the whole household. "I did _not _dry-hump Edward in the cafeteria!"  
"Did too!"  
"I was proving a point, okay?" I sighed into the phone, frustrated already.  
"Yeah, that you're a two-faced _liar!" _She gave a small hiccup before saying in an equally small voice, "I just checked his profile. He really _did _change his relationship status! He's not single anymore!"  
"Oh, get over it, Rosalie," a voice snapped in the background, which made me painfully aware of who it could be. "Give me the phone, I want to talk to Bella."

Tears came close to ruining my vision as I pressed _disconnect _and threw the phone as hard as I could against the other side of the room. Oh God, I was in such a mess. _What have I done? _

Since having that erotic dream _and _mauling the subject of my dream without a word inbetween us, I had self-confined myself to the bedroom since I got back from school. I just didn't know what to do. At the beginning of this day, I'd reassured myself everything would be alright if I avoided Edward until that dream faded, but right there at lunchtime, with Lauren winding me up about sex, and Rosalie winding me up with her _sceptism _and Tanya with her _smirking, _I just wanted them all to shut up.

And when I saw Edward. I forgot all about the dream. I forgot all about avoiding him.  
All I'd wanted to do was prove a point.  
Until I released him with his lips still puckered, and his eyes still shut and the enormity of the situation hit me full-on.  
I had to get out of there.

_September 20th_

"Hallo, Mrs Swan," came the formal voice from downstairs. "Is Bella up yet?"  
Already I was easing open my window, only running back to unplug my ghd straighteners (didn't want to cause a fire!), before joining my school bag on the roof of the front porch. I was sweating as I spied Edward's car at the end of the driveway, his ever formidable BMW gleaming a shocking silver in the morning. _Please invite him in, please invite him in _I begged my mother, clutching onto my bag as if it were a life-raft.

"Edward! It's so lovely to see you after all this time! Is it for anything in particular?"  
My mom was hopeless when it came to clean cut, american boys and Edward was no exception. Even as youngsters, she would fawn over Edward's Valentine's Day cards and encourage me to give him a peck for his troubles. _No, thank you very much,_ I would reply. _I'd rather kiss a frog.__  
_

"Oh, I was just driving through the neighbourhood and I thought I'd give Bella a ride. Into school." Love how he had to specify that. I wondered if he would've been so eagar to "pop in", if he had known all the dirty thoughts I had about _me _riding _him. _And nowhere near school!  
"In that case, you better come in!" Success! I waited until she ushered him in and closing the door, before I dropped my bag over the ledge and soon followed after it. Having practised this escape path many times in the past (not to go anywhere, just to practise) it was with limited degree of confidence I hobbled down my driveway and paused by Edward's BMW, placing a hand on the hood to regain my breath.  
_Beep beep beep beep beep!_

Fucking hell! I snatched away my hand as if burnt, but the damage had already been done. The front door opened and Edward strode out, my mom staring disapprovingly in the background.

"Bella, what a coincidence," he bit out as he pressed a button in his car keys, and the alarm went dispairingly silent.  
"Oh, you know me," I waved him away, still bent in double. "Trouble, trouble, trouble!"  
"Right. Well you look like you really did a number on yourself there. Do you want to catch a ride?"  
"A ride? With you?" my laughter sounded too loud and peroxide for my liking. "Whatever gave you that idea?"

My mother, having had enough, even though she was six metres away and probably couldn't hear what we were saying, shook her head in forlorn and stepped back inside, shutting the door behind her. Immediately the difference was palpiable as Edward straightened his shoulders and nodded at his car. "Get inside. Now."

I had to think twice about arguing back, but the impatience in his tone was clear and it suggested he wouldn't hesistate to bodily lift me into the car, if needs be. The idea of his arms closing around my hips (or even my legs) and pulling me taut against his bod, was enough for me to open the passenger door and get in.  
After a pause, which I imagined Edward staring dumbly at the spot I just vacated, he got into the car with me and slammed the door. And then he was reversing out of the driveway, his arm casually thrown around the back of my head-rest as he peered through the backscreen. I could smell his deodrant- it was the same one he wore back in that Barji when this whole deal went down.

"You know, Bella," Edward spoke a loud, when we reached the first set of traffic lights. "I'm really confused."  
I purposely chose to miscontrue his statement. "You are?" I blinked. "Well the light's turning green now, so you're free to go."  
Edward went.

"It's just, I don't know whether we're going through with the fake-dating thing or not," he chose to aveliate when we got to the next set of lights. "One minute we're on, the next minute you're telling Rosalie we're the most chummiest of friends.." I blushed heavily. "And _then," _he whistled through his teeth. "You jump me like a dog on heat. In front of the whole school."  
_A dog on heat. _Now that's an interesting expression. If I took that the wrong way I would assume he's calling me a bitch. If I took it the _other _way, I would assume he was disappointed I didn't start humping his leg or something. You never know, with Edward.

"And the cream of this whole story? You don't even _talk _to me."

How ironic right after that, a silence descended upon the car like a muffled blanket suffocating a little puppy. A part of me wanted to turn and mock him, by crooning, "_Talk? Talk Dirty?" _and throw so many fuck's and fuck me's and pussy's and cocks at him as possible. But the inner shyness within me refused any less thing until Edward had parked his car in the parking lot, and together we watched a group of people walk in front of the car, glancing curiously inside.

"I want it to continue, okay?" I burst out, not daring to look at him. "Just until all these shitheads realise that I _can _pin a boy down! Especially one as hot as you. So when they start accepting me or whatever, I could just turn around and be like, "_Fuck you."  
_"Wait...rewind. Did you just call me hot?"

All he heard was an answering slam as I exited the car.

* * *

_**Previously on My Fake Boyfriend...**_

**Authour asks for review count to hit 20. Review count _hits _20.  
Which surprises authour a lot because she expected no-one to be reading this riff-raff.  
Now authour has to deliver on her part of the deal-updating!**

**Gotta warn you guys. I started to write this fic for NaNoWriMo.  
****I got as far as 17K in one week.**  
**Then I gave up **:D

**Thanks to:**

**hayleyxx01**

**Bildo**

**Rog4e**

**penguinopus**

**StarCollins**

**LOonYMoON101**

**Avery Shane **(thanks for breaking ur month & a half abstinence!)

**Anonymous** (well dun for spelling anonymous correct! THIS is wat happens nxt :D)


	7. Edward's Bedroom

_September 21st_

The next day, I found myself in Edward's room (coz he invited me over) comparing it to the one I had known all those years ago. Gone were the light blue wallpaper and pirate curtains, to give away to a sensual wave of navy blue decorating his walls. He had Angelina Jolie pinned up on his wall, instead of the Bart "_Eat my shorts!" _one, posed in her role of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

I stopped in my perusal to examine her, taking note of how I once dressed up in khaki shorts and a clingy t-shirt with a fake gun holster strapped on my thigh on _Dress as a fictional character _day. And how Edward had nearly walked into a trashbin, gawking. At the time I merely assumed he found my get-up ridiculous but now I realised, it was because his dream had come true.

No more Simba Duvet either. Instead it was plain navy linen, reflecting his walls and curtains.

"Sheesh," I said, aware Edward was impassively standing by the door. "Get some color in here."  
"First, ground rules," he bargained.  
"Ground rules," I agreed, planting my butt on his bed. It was kind of hard to look dignified when the bed bounced me right back up again, and I had to shoot out both hands to prevent myself falling off. There was one thing I desperately wanted to know, perhaps even since the beginning of this tryst, to put my mind at rest. But I sensed now wasn't the time to ask it, even though my conscience was at stake.

"Both of us are doing this for reasons known only to us. You, because you want to...whatever. And me because I want to show Tanya what she's missing."  
The smile on my face was harder to maintain now, now that Edward had revealed the _true _reason he was doing this. What I didn't get was- Tanya was clearly interested in Edward now since she'd worked her way throughout the entire jock population. Why was he still playing hard to get? Being so elusive?

Did boys even _play _hard-to-get?

"We have to throw ourselves into this," I picked up from where he left off. "Holding hands in public. Making goo-goo faces at each other. Displaying possessive traits when the other is being chatted up."  
"And kissing," Edward added. "Don't forget the kissing."

"How could I," I said softly and met his eyes gently over the room, feeling the hum of sexual tension vibrate around us. Edward, now mollified, there would be some tongue action going on, leaned against his bedroom wall and looked utterly spent, utterly approachable and I found myself doing what I promised myself I wouldn't do-

Opening my mouth to ask him a _really _personal question.

"Edward," I hesitated. "Have you ever...?"  
"Have I ever..?" Edward's eyebrows rose high into his hair, they almost disappeared.  
"You know..."  
"I know?"  
"Yeah, _you know..." _I shrugged my shoulder to implicate the action, although it is well known shrugging has nothing to do with sex. I might as well have formed a _O _with one fist and insert my index finger, in and out, to convey my unsurety about the situation.

"Clearly, I _don't _know," Edward exasperatedly sighed, pushing a hand through his hair. A penny dropped then, and I began to look closely at him when I remembered how insistent he'd been when demanding kissing had been part of the deal. He was after Tanya right? Well, I know this sounded stupid, but what if he wanted to _practice _on me first? So when Tanya started chewing on him, she won't call him out on the inexperienced virgin he was? It all made sense now! I just hoped, I gulped, that he wouldn't expect us to get low and horizontal too, in order to practise fucking Tanya.

"You're a virgin, aren't you?" I burst out, sympathetically patting the spot next to me, as if to invite him over.  
There was no response from Edward's side, and I looked up clearly expecting him to stand thunderstruck about how quickly I'd caught him out. But Edward was shaking his head, his hand trembling as he began to comb his hair with his fingers even more wildly. "I'm not," he said quietly and my well-disillusioned image of him as a poster boy for abstinence was well and ttuly shattered.

"You're _not?" _I half shrieked/shouted, having no idea why my voice had just risen by two octaves. I stared at him wide eyes as he brought his face up to meet mine solemnly. Well, there went my theory!  
"I lost it two years ago," he began quietly. "And haven't had the time for it since."  
"Haven't had the time for _sex?" _That was a new one. I've never had a boy excuse himself for not hitching his leg over, due to _time _constraints. Most eighteen year old boys would still be up for it, even if every part of them was bandaged except for their penis. I stared at this de-virginised boy and concluded the only reason why he hadn't _made _time over these years, was because something traumatic must have happened on his de-flowering. I proceeded to inquire after that affect.

"No, it was fine," Edward shook his head slowly, " Except for the fact I got off before she did, and she threatened to machete my balls if I ever did that again."  
"So what happened?" I was all agog, staring up at him with disbelieving ears. But yet I was lapping it up, like little kiddies about Santa Claus.  
"Oh after I spent about two hours trying to make her orgasm, she finally did and that was enough for me to get out of there, balls or no balls."

I pursed my lips and did a wincing expression, sharing his pain over this un-named, probably orangutan girl. Everyone knew a way into a man's heart was by his dick. For it to be threatened with bodily harm, Edward would've been lucky to masturbate at _all _in the two years since.  
So Edward was a virgin, really. He heard about sex, he probably laughed about it in the locker room, but come right down to it, and didn't know the pleasures about it at _all. _Well, neither did I but at least I know your first time's not meant to be like..._that.  
_That didn't mean I was going to sleep with him though.

Let Tanya find out about his past experiences herself!

_September 24th_

Good news! Rosalie's finally coming round with the idea of her best friend and "best" brother dating. Truth be told, I'm a little bit astonished at how quickly she bought it, having expected more scepticism there or something. But clearly she must think we're absolutely nuts about each other, because she threatened she'd wrench my eyes out, if I ever hurt her brother. The threat would've worked too, if I hadn't heard Rosalie uttering the same threat to her brother, except subbing in "nuts in a vice" instead of eyes.

"Hell," Edward said, wiping the sweat of his forehead as he walked me to class (we'd agreed on that too. Rather hastily, I might add) "That sister of mine deserves to marry the coldest son of a bitch in this world."  
I tittered nervously, because all I could think about when he mentioned coldest SOB's...was _polar bears.  
_And bestiality is a topic I'd rather not cover right now.

"Anyways," he said, choosing to wrap an arm around my shoulder. Although I really shouldn't have been, considering he's all sweaty and all, I found myself melting in his warm embrace, lightly lacing a hand through his and placing a tender kiss on his knuckles.  
Edward had to clear his throats after that, but not before he gave an appreciative, "nice," into my ear.  
This boy was so starved of affection it was clearly tragic.

Although we'd agreed on "kissing" in our ground rules, we hadn't gotten much further than that day I launched myself at him, in the cafeteria. There was so many questions I wanted to ask, like where do we kiss? And how impersonally? Was it with tight, pursed lips? Or welcoming ones a tongue could boogie in?  
Instead I found myself staring frustratedly after Edward, the spot where he kissed me on the forehead, burning a hole in my skin.

The way he threw those lips about of his was certainly disarming!

* * *

**WARNING: NEXT CHAPTER WILL CONTAIN SCENES (WELL, SCENE) OF A SEXUAL NATURE. PLEASE SKIP/OR DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE TOO DISTURBED TO HANDLE.**

**Thanks to: **

**Bildo**

**Avery Shane**

**hayleyxx01**

**rides the beast**

**StarCollins and last but not least...**

**kaiwi10  
**


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